dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
