Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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