I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just gift wrapped bread.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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