I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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