Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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