Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
