he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
