he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
