Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
