My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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