Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
