Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
