I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
