My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
