She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My bed smells like the plague
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
