That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
