im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
