I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
