U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
someone threw a dead crab at me
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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