How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
