11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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