the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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