I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
