Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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