the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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