respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
