Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
