I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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