we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
