so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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