so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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