Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
