The police scanner is talking about you again....
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
