A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were trust falling into bushes
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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