What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
