i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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