You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
