Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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