So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
