he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
