The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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