Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
