i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
