Can i not drive my cunt home
Girls should come with a carfax report
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
