I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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