When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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