I cannot find my penis.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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