Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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