Me too!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
