Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
