If i come over, it means nothing
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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