He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
